Archive for the ‘Thoughts’ Category

Into the Void

Posted: March 14, 2018 in #nerd, Celebrity, Geek, Social Media, Thoughts

Pi Day, 2018: a sad day for nerds everywhere. It was “as if millions of voices suddenly cried out” when I read the news…

Stephen Hawking has died.

Now, I don’t claim to be a huge fan of physics. I’ve never read any of his work, and if I did I’m sure I’d be lost just perusing the forward, let alone delving into the inner workings of the mind of this incredibly brilliant man. I can kindamaybesorta understand the Schroedinger’s cat theory of physics. Kinda. Maybe. Sorta. But black holes and the universe as a whole? That’s wayyyyyyy beyond my comprehension. So why does it make me sad that Hawking has passed away?

I think I’ve figured it out. He was more than just a physicist. More than an theorist. More than the sum of his IQ. He was humorous. He put a smiling face out to the world when it must have taken all his effort to do so. He freakin’ guest-starred on a sitcom about nerd and geek life, not to mention the Futurama and Family Guy voice-overs. This was a guy who could take his disability and say yeah, it sucks, but I’m not going to let it be the be-all and end-all of who I am. Was he as well known for his disability as he was for his science? Yeah, but I think that’s more society’s fault than his own. I mean, he has no control over what perceptions people choose to focus on when they think about him. Human nature sucks sometimes. We zero in on the oddities and abnormalities and oftentimes overlook the light within the shell.

Where will Hawking’s light go now that he’s gone? He may have had a scientific mind, but the afterlife is kinda a personal ambiguity that is, in my opinion, unique to the individual. Are there fluffy clouds and angels and saints? Is it as empty and inescapable as a black hole? Are both true? I think that, for the sake of sanity, those are questions best left to each person to figure out and reconcile in their own way. I don’t know Hawking’s personal thoughts on the matter of life after death; I don’t know if he believed in an afterlife in the religious sense or if he was of the school of thought where we’re born, we live, we die, and we rot. And to be honest? I don’t care. That’s his afterlife. That’s where he chose to go, what he chose to believe, and if it gave him more comfort in life to believe that his mind ended when his body did, then so be it. More power to him. I for one will let my imagination wander a bit on this. I’d like to think that now he has answers to all the questions he ever had in life. I’d like to think that, free of his body’s limitations, he can now travel the galaxies and actually witness the inside of a black hole. I’d like to think that he knows now how accurate his theories were. I’d like to think that wherever or whatever he is now, he’s at peace.

I’m not quite as torn up as I was for Carrie Fisher’s death. I’m sad, but I’m not sobbing. A little tearing up, but that could be allergies to be honest. Maybe a little dry eye. Regardless, a great man is gone and it sucks that he had to go, but it’s great that he had the life he did. He was able to continue to use his mind even when his body betrayed him. He had the fortune to live in a time when technology could advance enough to prevent him from being completely trapped inside himself. It makes me a little verklempt. Okay, so maybe it’s not allergies. Or dry eyes.

The Age of Celebrity Deaths is far from over. We’re so immersed in the lives of our favorite celebs/public figures that we forget that we don’t always personally know them; we mourn as though we were present for all those media moments that awarded Very Important Person a spot in our hearts. The knife of death cuts deeper each time, but we’ve got to remember that every celebrity in history eventually comes to the same end we all come to. Some more violently and tragically than others, true, but it happens. Media saturation just makes it seem sadder than it has to be.

As I ponder these things, I think about my own eventual demise. Oh, don’t be like that; again, it happens to us all. I have no intention of speeding up the process by any means, but I need to start maybe living a little more. Write more. Make more art. Leave my own little mark on the world. Who knows? Maybe some day, in some distant future, some blogger fan of mine will be doing some pondering of their own as news of my passing reaches the media. They’ll be sad, they’ll tear up a little, and they’ll write up their own tribute that I’ll never get to read.

Or will I?



Posted: March 13, 2018 in animals, Cats, Thoughts

No, no, it’s not what you might think. We’re not “expecting”–ZERO chance of that–but we’re expecting to be expanding our family soon. Our little Rory-kins is about to be a big kitty in a bigger house than he’s used to, and since we’ll be free from apartment life we’ve decided it’s high time we get him a little friend to play with.

We’re looking at two prospects in Phoenix, but one of them is highly sought-after according to the foster owner, so it will likely be the other. We’d like either one of them, really, and they’re both so stinkin’ cute on the Petfinder site! The best thing is both pet profiles state that the kittens do well with other cats, so that’s a definite bonus. We’d hate to go through the adoption process only to find that Cat X has territory issues or something.

Fingers crossed that Rory has a little brother or sister soon!

I am feeling great. Got my first Arts and Sciences project done (except for the research/documentation), work this week hasn’t been too bad… so why am I not feeling so great?

Oh yeah: mixed episode. It seems that I’ve entered one of those recently. Not quite sure when exactly, but I’m noticing that even though I think I feel fine, I’m not taking as much interest in the things I’m usually interested in. I have a research paper for A&S that I’ve been dying to jump into, but I can’t seem to make myself read more than a couple of paragraphs at a time. I was all excited to finish the physical work on the first project, but instead of feeling accomplished I feel… empty. I’m not writing, I’m not tweeting, I’m not doing much of anything that I usually do with my free time.

I think the art project was providing enough momentum to keep me going, but although I don’t feel like I’m depressed, I’m not acting like I’m not. Makes no sense? Well, it doesn’t make sense to me either.

I’m hoping that my mental state picks up soon. Well, not too up. Mid-level. Hell, just plain level would be nice.

Some day. I can’t be down all the time.

Burnout. It happens. So what do you do when your options are limited?

Here’s the situation: that drama I talked about? Well, the “resolution” that was agreed upon didn’t really resolve all that much, and it leaves me stuck. The person who was causing the drama is still around and, though they’re not supposed to directly interact with my husband, they’re still present–a proverbial thorn in the side, if you will.

This wouldn’t be too bad, save for one thing…I am beyond the point of burnout with the volunteer officer position I hold in our local group, but the only other person I can see willing to step up to the plate if I step down is–you guessed it–the drama factory. And since my position interacts closely with my husband’s position (yeah, he’s an officer too), I can’t risk this person taking over if I leave the position. I’ve been told by a kingdom officer that they will never again hold that position, but the risk is too great. It would open doors for them to passive-aggressively harass my husband, which I do not want to be responsible for.

I meant to talk to the kingdom officer in question during the war, but I just didn’t have the opportunity. She was busy, or I was busy, or I didn’t know where to find her in the ginormous site. Regardless of the why, I didn’t talk to her yet, though I feel the need to, and soon.

At this point, try as I might, I’m just paying lip service to the position. I didn’t even do anything with it throughout the war, which I know is bad, but I wanted to be able to enjoy my first Estrella War. I wanted to be able to experience as much as possible, and stopping to do X-Y-Z for this position would have hindered that.

Things are hairy in the barony as it is. Sides have been taken in this drama dispute, and it was clear by the hush that fell over the room when we walked into baronial court where most of the barony–at least those who attended baronial court at war–stand…and it’s not with us. Sure, we have our close friends who stick by us, but there are others who, for whatever reason, hold resentment towards us that is blatantly obvious. Sideways glances, or sometimes avoidance of glances, were all the indication we needed that we are no longer “welcome” in the barony we have called home. It’s a little disheartening, especially when the creator of the main drama has a known history of causing problems. Now, I’m not saying that this person is responsible for all the ill will…but they certainly exacerbated whatever issues may have been underlying.

That makes my wish to leave my officer position that much more difficult of a decision to make. If the majority of the barony, or at least the active members, are against us, then who would take over the position if I left and this other person was not allowed to come back to the position? I can barely think of a couple of people who might take on the position, let alone enough to have a pool of candidates. No, I think that for the time being I’m stuck.

I guess until I come up with a solution I’ll just have to keep trudging along, dragging myself through the muck and mire. I’m trying to hold up hope that things will work out, but I fear I’m going to be where I’m at for a long, long time to come.

Worn out

Posted: February 5, 2018 in Depression, Stress, Thoughts

I feel it. Something’s coming, and I have no control over it. I can’t help. I can’t stave it off. All I can do is stand by and hope for the best.

It sucks, but what can you do? It might not even be as bad as I think it’s going to be. Not likely, but maybe it’ll … get better? Not likely either, I guess.

It’s my fight but it’s not my fight. I can’t involved even though I am. I have to be kinda neutral even when I don’t feel very neutral. On the contrary, I have very strong feelings on it.

But it’s not my fight. But it is my fight.

Isn’t it?

I want to branch out, but am I diving in too deep?

Let me explain:

There’s this thing in the medieval reenactment group that’s called “Arts and Sciences,” which is basically focusing on medieval and Renaissance period art and, well, science. As science-y as they got back then, anyway. There are also annual competitions on a baronial and kingdom level. I was considering entering my latest embroidery project as an arts project in the next competition (which is in July). The problem? I found out today that I have to enter in three different categories in order to compete.

Okay, there’s the embroidery, sure, but what else can I do? Garb? Yeah, I can probably make some garment(s) for a secondary entry, but the third thing? Maybe … illumination? I could try that, but my drawing/painting style isn’t really up to even medieval par yet. I can make pretty scrolls, but it’s nothing that could be considered a medieval style. And as far as calligraphy goes, I can trace the letters fine and mimic the strokes, but I’m not actually doing true calligraphy … yet. Can I get there by July? Eh, maybe. Maybe.

Decisions, decisions. I really want to enter. Like, really. I haven’t entered an art competition, seriously entered something, since I was a kid … and that was, like, when they kind of made the whole class enter. I just never had the confidence. Now I want to, though. I want to make myself break out of that comfort zone. It’s just–what will my third thing be?

I have a few months, but the clock is ticking. I know there’s some kind of deadline for entry, and there are research papers involved, not to mention the second and third projects to make.

As if I needed more on my plate lately. *Sigh*

EDIT: I have been told that the three-entry thing is for Champion, not just for regular entry. I have the option of entering one or two pieces as a novice, so that takes a little stress off…but now I want to try just to see if I can. Plus, I learned that there are other categories that I didn’t even know existed, like poetry/prose, drawing, painting (not illumination), and leatherwork. So I have options, and ones that I’m more comfortable with. So “the great debate” is still on, but it’s a slightly different debate now…

The past few years, I’ve tried different methods of planning out new year’s resolutions–I’ve made lists of several resolutions/goals, I’ve kept 3×5 index cards on the fridge, I’ve coordinated with a friend to be resolutions buddies, I’ve narrowed it down to one goal–all with varied results. Oddly enough, the years where I’ve made long lists have been about as successful as those where I just picked one thing to focus on.

What did I decide to do this year? A big, fat nothing. I haven’t so much given up on resolutions as I’ve decided that I just don’t want to be “that guy/girl” who sets lofty goals and then fails to succeed in those goals. Does that mean I have no goals for this year? No, but I’m not aiming for anything that could be quantified as a “resolution,” and I kinda started the list long before the new year rolled around. Hell, I started working towards the list before the new year rolled around.

I want my WIP to be published. I want Book 2 to be revised and polished enough for submission to the publisher. I want to learn more embroidery and sewing techniques, both modern and medieval. I want to enter something in an SCA Arts and Sciences competition. I want to advance in rapier training. I want to keep up with the exercise routine I have with my friends. I want to not break my freakin’ foot again.

All perfectly reasonable goals, right? But I’m not going to call them “resolutions.” That sounds cliche and empty. How many people who make new year’s resolutions actually keep them? I don’t have statistics on that (and really am too lazy to Google it), but I’m going to make a blind generalization that the majority of the people who make new year’s resolutions don’t follow through to the end goal. I’m basing this not on science, but on my perception as viewed through social media and friends’ and family members’ experiences. Because third-hand data, especially data that has not actually been documented and studied, is so reliable. Hey, what can I say? Being informed and accurate is not one of my goals. 😉

I’m not saying that new year’s resolutions are doomed to fail. I’ve succeeded in several over the years. I’m just saying that you shouldn’t resolve to resolve just for the sake of resolving. If you want to make it a true “resolution” to change something in your life at the start of a new year, cool beans. If you just want to set goals for yourself at your own time and pace, that’s cool too. You do what you do, I’ll do what I do, and we’ll get there eventually.