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I very nearly did it again. No matter how much sleep I get or how well-rested I am, it seems that whenever I wake from a dream my body has difficulty fully waking up–which results in a lingering dream state that both confuses and disorients me.

Dreams are weird things. They are often completely nonsensical, yet while you’re in the dream it all makes perfect sense. Problem is, when I am in that asleep-yet-not-asleep state between dreaming and waking I tend to get “stuck” in dreamland. I will actually begin to physically engage in whatever task Dream Me was doing. This makes for some strange mornings.

This morning I woke up with an urgent need to log in to Facebook and write several posts. The content I wanted to write was fuzzy and odd, but I had to write it; after all, it was something that I’d been charged to do in a group I co-admin. Or on a page. Or both. Or maybe neither. Thankfully the posts I felt compelled to write were harmless, mere welcoming posts for people who had joined the page/group/whatever, but it’s kind of disturbing to think I very nearly actually typed up these posts. The same thing happened a couple of mornings ago, when I dreamed about something I had to do with both my phone and my husband’s; by the time I fully woke, I had my phone in my hand and was on the way to the other side of the room to get my husband’s phone.

It doesn’t help that I have a history of sleepwalking and other sleep-related activities. My body doesn’t know when to quit, I guess, so it literally dreams up stuff to do. It can quit that at any time, thank you very much.

I suppose it’s off to the doctor at some point. Surely there’s some kind of medicine to help me that will stave off these hyper-vivid dreams. It would be nice to get a full night’s sleep–and to wake up fully aware of what I’m doing. I don’t really dig this sense of urgency that compels me to continue in the vein of the dream I was having. The disorientation is so bad that once I finally do wake up all the way I can’t get back to sleep.

All in all, it’s a big hot mess. The lines between dreaming and waking are all jacked up, and if I don’t figure out what’s causing it I could end up doing something ridiculous before I realize I’m not asleep anymore.

No rest for the weary

I swear I’m going to lose my ever-loving mind…

After a night with only two hours of sleep, I was going to type up a post that was 95% bitching about the insomnia. I actually did type it up, but I deleted it all. Because fuck the insomnia. I’m not going to let it win. I’m going to drink my coffee, take my shower, and get ready for the busy work day ahead. I’m going to do my job until it’s time for me to go home and then work out, eat dinner, and hopefully crash into a peaceful night’s sleep.

And if I don’t? Well then, it’s just going to be another long night.

Back on track…kind of

Finally back from Phoenix Comicon! It was a weird, crazy four days, but overall fun. More on that at of course, because I’m going to write up a couple of articles once I get awake and this hunger headache is gone. Or caffeine withdrawal headache. Whatever.

Tomorrow it’s back to work as usual, and next weekend is another SCA event. Busy busy busy. I’ll catch up on sleep later…I guess? I don’t even know at this point. Rory surely didn’t let me sleep very well this morning.

Speaking of sleep, I think I’m going to have to catch a nap after breakfast if the coffee my husband’s making doesn’t do the trick to wake me up.

Hello grogginess, my old friend

Good Goddess, I can’t wake up for anything this morning!

I suppose it’s my own fault. I was up “late” (for me, anyway) last night and then woke myself up early–ostensibly to start on cosplay sewing. With how sluggish and groggy I am, though, I’m not quite sure I should be operating a sewing machine.

Coffee is not helping. I wanted to start on the skirt for my Dark Phoenix cosplay this morning and plug through that; it shouldn’t take too long–maybe a couple of early mornings– especially given that the bustle wasn’t a bad project and that was more involved (I’ve never hated elastic as much as I did then lol) but I just can’t. Not this morning. Not even with Phoenix Comicon looming less than a month away.

The writing is on hold temporarily while an editor friend looks it over. I have been ordered not to make any changes until she has had a chance to read through it and offer critique and suggestions. It is very, very hard to not tweak it when I think of something that could be better.

Since I don’t know what changes she’ll suggest (or rather what changes she’ll suggest that I agree with), I can’t work on book 2 either. If the change or changes are sweeping enough to affect the plot/flow of book 2, I need to be ready to make the changes to that book as well. This is difficult as well, because I already don’t like the grand, epic scenes that I wrote most recently. I have decided that one of the primary scenes driving those grand scenes is fatally flawed and must be murdered for the sake of the story. However, if enough changes are make to book 1, it may be a moot point. I suppose I could still delete the offending scenes, but if I did that I don’t think I could restrain myself from rewriting everything.

Rapier fighting is going well. I can “feel the burn” after practices and I have been told by multiple people that I’m doing really well for a beginner. Also, apparently though I’m mainly a passive type of personality in my regular life, once I get a sword in my hand I become “really aggressive” and go on the offensive more than I do in modern-day situations. Put me in a position where I have to make choices or something, I tend to either go on the defensive or take a don’t-rock-the-boat stance on whatever’s going on. With rapier, not so much.

That reminds me: I also have to fix the hood I made for my husband’s fencing mask. I made one that I *thought* was good, but it turns out it’s either not long enough or not heavy enough to prevent the wind from blowing it up over the top of his head and leaving the back of his head exposed. I know how I want to try to fix it, but again, groggy + sewing machine = almost certain disaster. Even now my eyes are crossing and trying to close on me…not ideal conditions for using a machine that pumps a needle with enough force to penetrate skin. I really don’t want to deal with that literal mess this morning.

I guess for now it’s more coffee (or possibly an energy drink) for me. At the minimum I need to get this grogginess out of my system before I have to go to work lol

No loss of time, but lost time anyway

One good thing about living in Arizona (besides the weather): No daylight savings time adjustment.

One bad thing? My husband works from home for a company based out of California, so he had to “spring forward” in a manner of speaking by starting work an hour earlier (since Cali did do the time change). Which means my little bit of “sleeping in” today was interrupted by his alarm.

Oddly enough, the sleeping in has screwed with my morning productivity. I’ve been doing pretty much nothing but talking with people on Facebook messenger for the past two hours. No writing, no editing, nothing of import. I made an energy drink with our Soda Stream (great invention) and took my morning pills, had a few bites of yogurt for breakfast to get me through til lunch, and that’s about it. Haven’t made my lunch for work yet, haven’t taken my shower and gotten dressed, haven’t done much of anything.

I think my body wanted to sleep off some of the aches and pains from the previous day. Yesterday I was sore all day long (as though I had done a heavy workout, without the physical benefits of working out), which has somewhat carried over to today but not as severe.

Part of that aching may stem from the couple of hours I spent sitting on an awkward but much-appreciated stool while watching SCA fighter practice with some friends yesterday. Well, I watched; my husband and our friends participated. I have never done fencing or rapier fighting and was a little apprehensive about trying it out. Now I’m excited for the chance to do something fun that counts as exercise. Hopefully I’ll be out of my boot next Friday and will be able to join in.

There’s some deciding to do as to what “persona” I’ll take for SCA. I want to do a medieval Viking-type character, but my husband–who wants to do couples’ characters–isn’t too keen on the Viking thing. He wants to do Celtic, but I’m kinda Celtic’d out. I know that technically Vikings are more of a fad now than Celtics (thanks to the History Channel show) but I want to be a shieldmaiden. Yeah, yeah, Celts had warrior women as well…but damnit, I wanna be named after a valkyrie and beat on people with sticks. Or use rapier finesse. Whichever ends up being more suitable for me. I don’t quite understand a Viking using a rapier, but I don’t fully understand how SCA LARPing works yet, either, so I’m going to give it a shot.

Our friends who are in the SCA are nice, and they seem very inclusive. I just hope they stay friends. Our luck with friends the past few years hasn’t been the greatest. But that’s how friendships are: they move and grow and evolve and change and often that change includes a rift that can’t be crossed.

Hopefully I’m back to my early morning schedule tomorrow. I have to get back in the swing of early morning productivity, especially with the boot soon to be off and the sewing back in action. Two and a half months until Phoenix Comicon–gotta get cracking!



To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

Man, I had both a terrible night’s sleep last night and I slept like a rock.

It took me a long time to get to sleep in the first place (too tired to take my night meds, too wired to nod off), then I woke up at every little sound until my husband went to bed. I don’t think I was tossing and turning much, though, because I woke up with my back muscles all knotted up…possibly because I didn’t take my nightly muscle relaxer.

Another possibility: I was moving around so much in my damn dreams that my body is worn out. I had dreams of walking cross-country, taking a long trek for some reason or another–a quest-worthy reason–that involved old friends, Stephen Amell, and assassins. And humanoid aliens. My long walk apparently took me into space as well.

Stephen Amell was pretty nice. He tried to protect me from the assassins, which I thought considerate given that he doesn’t know me. Old friends were mostly waypoints on my journey, places more than people but people all the same. I walked to Alabama. I walked to Ohio. I walked to places I’ve never been before.

The aliens had some pretty opulent jewelry, which was sold in malls. Space malls. That I walked to. And shopped in. With Wolverine. Well, Old Man Logan. He was my dad, I guess. In the dream that is.

Aside from the aliens, the analytical part of me can pinpoint all the events of yesterday that could lead to these dream elements. I’ve been eager to be rid of this fracture boot–hence the walking. I watched Flashwhich crosses over with Arrow quite frequently, hence Stephen Amell. I talked with my husband about the various people who we’ll have over to visit when our house is built. And I talked with my sister about seeing Logan in the theaters.

So there are the pieces of the strange puzzle of my subconscious mind, haphazard and random. None of the “major” parts of the previous day played a part; no cosplay, no immediate family, none of that. Funny how dreams work.

Someday this pain will be useful to me…but when?

“Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you.” According to the Interwebs, this quote is from Ovid, a Roman poet. I don’t know how true that is, but ever since I first saw it, it resonated deeply with me. I guess it’s because of the RA. Maybe also because my mom has fibromyalgia. Regardless of why, it meant enough to me to get part of the quote tattooed on the side of my forearm, in plain sight. Yeah, I get asked about it a lot, but it’s got deep meaning for me. Someday I’ll find out the reason–in the grand, universal scheme of things–why I have the pain I have and for what purpose it was given to me.

I’d kind of like to know when though. It’s getting a little annoying waiting.

I’m lying in bed right now at 0100, woken half an hour ago in pain from my foot and back. The back pain started yesterday when I was in the OR. Between the nerves and anxiety and just standing there in general, my back rebelled. With a vengeance. Muscles and joints seized up on me, and I tried not to cry. I ended up needing a ride home at lunch time because the pain was unbearable.

Now, this doesn’t necessarily mean I won’t be able to do the job in the OR that I’m training for. Just like with the first few days in pre/post and as instrument tech, my body has to adjust to the new physical demands on it. It’s something I just have to deal with, and I wasn’t mentally (or, apparently, physically) prepared for the demands on my back yesterday. Even now, twelve hours after I left work, I’m gritting my teeth.

So when–and how–will this all have a purpose? When will this pain be useful to me? I hope the universe shows me soon. It would be nice to know why the Gods have decided to make me suffer for a while.

Thinking back on the two weeks I walked on a broken foot, maybe that had something to do with it. I mean, how would I have been able to do that if I didn’t have the pain tolerance that I do?

Guess I’ll find out eventually. Right now? Tylenol and quite possibly a heating pad.

Gotta get back to work come morning.

Blissfully comatose

Ah, the glory of generic-nite-time-cough-and-cold medicine. Too bad it doesn’t last the whole “nite time.”

I just had the best sleep I’ve had in over a week…pretty much since the sinus infection started. It. Was. Wonderful. I woke up thinking I had slept the whole night through; it took me a bit to realize that it was still in fact Friday night.

Now? Now I’m wide awake with another hour and change before I can take more.

I’m debating on taking the cough syrup with codeine that I have from the doctor, but it hasn’t been as effective as the plain ol’ generic store stuff. I guess the generic-nite-time-cough-and-cold-medicine is … is … wait. What was I saying? Hmm … maybe the generic store stuff is still in effect.

When it’s time for more, I’m definitely taking another swig. I miss that good sleep that i used to get.

Quality, not quantity

That seems to be the theme today. Well, as little of today as exists currently.

Sleeping with the sinus infection I’ve had the past few days is a challenge to say the least. If I lie down too flat I can feel the crackling in my chest when I breathe. This has adversely affected my functionality. Did I get any writing done this weekend? Well, nothing so far, but I feel almost normal. When I move the wrong way though, I’m reminded that nope, I’m still sick.

I woke up about 45 minutes ago feeling like I wasn’t even sick anymore. It wasn’t until one of those loverly coughing fits doubled me over that I remembered. Can you imagine how great the sleep must have been to make me feel that way?

Ironically it was just a 30, maybe 45 minute catnap that had me up and ready and as close to rarin’ to go as I’m going to get.

Well, not “ready.” It’s not even 0330 yet for Christ’s sakes. Still, to wake up feeling like that given the setting in which the sleep happened is a miracle.

Am I done with sleeping for the morning? I couldn’t tell you. My eyelids seem to think I’m not done yet, but this is around the time I normally wake up. I might succumb to those lids though.

Reading back on this rambling, perhaps I didn’t sleep as well as I had thought.

New year, same ol’ routine

Cats, apparently, do not understand the concept of a new year. That, or Rory has resolved to be as annoying as ever in the wee hours of the morning.

On the plus side, in between naps (which Rory keeps interrupting), I’ve been able to start revisions on Book 1. It’s slow going–I need more objective feedback, but I can’t keep waiting forever on my alpha reader–but at least it’s something.

No new sewing this morning, partly because I have been so sleepy and partly because my husband wants to take down the Christmas decorations and clean up the living room today, so no sense starting a project like sewing when I’m going to have to do that. Revisions, yeah, I can hit “save” and come back to it later. Sewing? I have to make sure I’m not mid-seam or something.

have to get some sewing done today, though. I can’t keep putting it off. I have two full costumes to make for my husband and myself, plus a commission costume that I’ll have to make soon. All three need to be done by the end of May…which I can do, but I don’t want to leave myself under a ton of pressure. Again. Not to mention there’s leatherworking to learn for two of them and ruffles/gathering to learn for one.

Yeah, so far the new year is just like the last. I was asleep long before midnight. I woke up around 2:15am. I dozed off a few times. And I’ve been hard at work on my next book. That about sums up 2016.

I gotta learn to amp things up. Or to stop being afraid of change.