What to do, what to do? I want to draw; I want to practice calligraphy/illumination; I want to sew; I want to embroider; I want to write … Making up my mind should be a simple enough thing, but this morning it’s just not happening.

I woke up early with a rumbling stomach. Guess I didn’t have enough for dinner. I ate a snack and drank some hot chocolate to try to calm my restless mind, but the longer I was up, the more I wanted to get done…and the less I actually accomplished. I started one sewing project by cutting the pattern pieces, then decided I should put that aside for another sewing project. Then I decided I wanted to try drawing some illumination designs. Then I decided I didn’t want to do either of those. Then I tooled around the Internet for a while. Got hungry again. Made more food. Printed out some designs to try to embroider (those are still on the printer, because I then decided I wanted to write).

Guess my Creative Attention Deficit Disorder has kicked in again. As soon as I set my mind to one task I’m flying off to another, and it’s terribly nonproductive. I’ve gotten my hands dipped into too many creative ventures/projects, and now I’m in creative overload.

Maybe I’ll skip creativity for more practical activities. I have a couple of articles to write–maybe by the time I get those done I’ll be better able to decide what the heck I want to do.


My body’s in rebellion (and my mind has taken up the cause)

It’s mutiny–mutiny, I tell you.

I don’t get it; I’ve been exercising and eating better. I’ve been trying to take care of myself. I’ve been doing all the right things, right? So why do my joints feel like a combination of arthritis pain, morning joint stiffness, and bruising?

At first I thought that the exercise was a large factor in it, but now I’m not so sure. I’ve been exercising on a fairly regular basis for months now, so theoretically my body should be like, “Yeah, man, I got this.” Instead, my body’s saying, “Fuck you. Fuck you nine ways to Sunday.” I hurt–a lot–and I have a hard time moving around. Standing sucks, sitting sucks, walking sucks, lying down sucks, and stairs? Yeah, my body really says “fuck you” when it comes to stairs.

It wouldn’t be so bad if it was just my body that was on strike. Unfortunately, my mind has decided to join right on in and picket alongside. I am sleeping less and less since the exercise started, and I find myself almost afraid to sleep–and I have no idea why. What the hell would cause my mind to not want to sleep? It’s not like I’m weak and sickly to the point of needing to be afraid of falling asleep–on the contrary, I’d like to think that, despite the aching, I’m in better shape than I’ve been in years. I should be sleeping like a champ, yet here I am, lying in bed with my laptop, hoping I don’t doze off. What the hell?

Maybe my old friend Mania has decided to pay a visit. It could explain why I’m able to keep up with the exercise despite the exhaustion, and it could explain why my switch is stuck in the “on” position. If so, that sucks. I don’t really want to think that all this progress is just due to my mood being out of whack,

Aaaand exhaustion won. Before I even could finish the above sentence (and don’t ask me what I was going to say), I woke up with the laptop still in my lap and a groggy feeling comparable to being a tad drunk. I put the computer away and lay back down and managed to get some more sleep before it was time to feed the Rory monster. Still sore as hell though, and it wasn’t nearly enough sleep to “catch up.”

One of these days my stupid body will sort itself out. One of these days…

Blurred lines

I very nearly did it again. No matter how much sleep I get or how well-rested I am, it seems that whenever I wake from a dream my body has difficulty fully waking up–which results in a lingering dream state that both confuses and disorients me.

Dreams are weird things. They are often completely nonsensical, yet while you’re in the dream it all makes perfect sense. Problem is, when I am in that asleep-yet-not-asleep state between dreaming and waking I tend to get “stuck” in dreamland. I will actually begin to physically engage in whatever task Dream Me was doing. This makes for some strange mornings.

This morning I woke up with an urgent need to log in to Facebook and write several posts. The content I wanted to write was fuzzy and odd, but I had to write it; after all, it was something that I’d been charged to do in a group I co-admin. Or on a page. Or both. Or maybe neither. Thankfully the posts I felt compelled to write were harmless, mere welcoming posts for people who had joined the page/group/whatever, but it’s kind of disturbing to think I very nearly actually typed up these posts. The same thing happened a couple of mornings ago, when I dreamed about something I had to do with both my phone and my husband’s; by the time I fully woke, I had my phone in my hand and was on the way to the other side of the room to get my husband’s phone.

It doesn’t help that I have a history of sleepwalking and other sleep-related activities. My body doesn’t know when to quit, I guess, so it literally dreams up stuff to do. It can quit that at any time, thank you very much.

I suppose it’s off to the doctor at some point. Surely there’s some kind of medicine to help me that will stave off these hyper-vivid dreams. It would be nice to get a full night’s sleep–and to wake up fully aware of what I’m doing. I don’t really dig this sense of urgency that compels me to continue in the vein of the dream I was having. The disorientation is so bad that once I finally do wake up all the way I can’t get back to sleep.

All in all, it’s a big hot mess. The lines between dreaming and waking are all jacked up, and if I don’t figure out what’s causing it I could end up doing something ridiculous before I realize I’m not asleep anymore.

No rest for the weary

I swear I’m going to lose my ever-loving mind…

After a night with only two hours of sleep, I was going to type up a post that was 95% bitching about the insomnia. I actually did type it up, but I deleted it all. Because fuck the insomnia. I’m not going to let it win. I’m going to drink my coffee, take my shower, and get ready for the busy work day ahead. I’m going to do my job until it’s time for me to go home and then work out, eat dinner, and hopefully crash into a peaceful night’s sleep.

And if I don’t? Well then, it’s just going to be another long night.

Blissfully comatose

Ah, the glory of generic-nite-time-cough-and-cold medicine. Too bad it doesn’t last the whole “nite time.”

I just had the best sleep I’ve had in over a week…pretty much since the sinus infection started. It. Was. Wonderful. I woke up thinking I had slept the whole night through; it took me a bit to realize that it was still in fact Friday night.

Now? Now I’m wide awake with another hour and change before I can take more.

I’m debating on taking the cough syrup with codeine that I have from the doctor, but it hasn’t been as effective as the plain ol’ generic store stuff. I guess the generic-nite-time-cough-and-cold-medicine is … is … wait. What was I saying? Hmm … maybe the generic store stuff is still in effect.

When it’s time for more, I’m definitely taking another swig. I miss that good sleep that i used to get.

Back to the grind

How can three little days seem so long? I was only off three days, but I’m already dreading going back to work today.

I don’t know why. Work is work, and it generally is either so busy I don’t notice the time passing or calm enough to wonder when the busy is going to hit again. One work day is rarely much different from another, regardless of which department or position I’m in on any particular day. There are days when the schedule is nuts but the workload seems fine, and there are days when the schedule has a lot of openings and we’re barely keeping up.

Sleep was not kind to me last night, so perhaps that’s the reason for my Tuesday morning dread. I can feel how dried out my eyes are and they’re a little red, but whatever. Gotta keep moving, keep the momentum going. If I could just get that momentum started…

Oh yeah, and my back is aching a bit already. So there’s that.

*Sigh* I guess I need to get over myself and just go in and do my job. It’s what pays the bills, after all.

New year, same ol’ routine

Cats, apparently, do not understand the concept of a new year. That, or Rory has resolved to be as annoying as ever in the wee hours of the morning.

On the plus side, in between naps (which Rory keeps interrupting), I’ve been able to start revisions on Book 1. It’s slow going–I need more objective feedback, but I can’t keep waiting forever on my alpha reader–but at least it’s something.

No new sewing this morning, partly because I have been so sleepy and partly because my husband wants to take down the Christmas decorations and clean up the living room today, so no sense starting a project like sewing when I’m going to have to do that. Revisions, yeah, I can hit “save” and come back to it later. Sewing? I have to make sure I’m not mid-seam or something.

have to get some sewing done today, though. I can’t keep putting it off. I have two full costumes to make for my husband and myself, plus a commission costume that I’ll have to make soon. All three need to be done by the end of May…which I can do, but I don’t want to leave myself under a ton of pressure. Again. Not to mention there’s leatherworking to learn for two of them and ruffles/gathering to learn for one.

Yeah, so far the new year is just like the last. I was asleep long before midnight. I woke up around 2:15am. I dozed off a few times. And I’ve been hard at work on my next book. That about sums up 2016.

I gotta learn to amp things up. Or to stop being afraid of change.