Gutless

I had the perfect opportunity last night–a couple of times, actually. I could have told my seneschal that I didn’t want to do social media for the barony any more. I could have told my baroness. But did I? Nope. I chickened out every time an opening presented itself.

Why can’t I just admit to them that I don’t want to do the job any more? I guess it’s that I don’t want to let anyone down. I also don’t want to leave my barony in the lurch. Clearly no one else wants the position, because I’ve asked for someone to step up as a deputy an no one’s biting. Am I doomed to just stay stuck in this “dead-end” job indefinitely?

Oh, I enjoyed it at first. I felt so important, being an officer for the barony and being in charge of making sure things got posted to Facebook and (when I remembered that I created the account) Twitter, but now I’m filled with anxiety and dread any time I see a notification from a baronial account on my phone. It shouldn’t be like that. Sadly, though, it is, and aside from stepping down I don’t know what to do to relieve that anxiety and dread.

I’ve asked the kingdom social media officer if I can talk to her about it, but she wanted to talk face-to-face at the next event–which is this weekend. So I should’ve told my seneschal and baroness what was up. Especially considering my seneschal is also my good friend and rapier teacher. I should be able to talk to her about anything, but that guilt of leaving the barony in the lurch is eating at me almost as much as the anxiety.

The kingdom officer has assured me that the previous social media officer for the barony (my husband’s harasser) won’t ever get the position back, but I still worry. I can’t picture anyone else wanting the job, so basically I’m sitting in limbo “job-blocking” her from coming back to it. It’s not the best way to be.

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