Flashbang

This. This is how fast depression can happen.

In the time it took you to read the title of this blog post, a person with mental illness can go from normal to depressed … often for no known reason.

It doesn’t have to be a breakup. It doesn’t have to be a demotion, a firing, a death, a disappointment, a loss … it just is.

Me? Right now I guess it’s not having anything to do. Scratch that; it’s not boredom specifically. It’s not wanting to do the things I can do right now. I can write. I can sketch on my laptop. I can watch whatever my mom’s got on the TV. There’s a lot I can do. But I’m kinda down because I can’t work on cosplay (no materials/fabric/sewing machine with me), I can’t eat the snacks I want (the “good stuff” is at home) … I can’t do what I want, and I don’t want what I can.

I also don’t have many friends online right now that I want to talk to. I’m grateful for the ones who are talking to me (okay, the one), but I keep looking for my alpha reader’s name to pop up, or one of my cosplay friends, or who knows. I don’t know, because I’m feeling depressed and I can’t pin it down.

A nap kinda helped, kinda didn’t. I mean, I feel a little bit physically refreshed, but not necessarily “better.” But that’s part of depression too sometimes: you are tired beyond tired, and there’s not enough sleep in the world.

Another thing I’m thinking about, which isn’t helping matters, is the new year. I have all these aspirations, but will anything really change? Probably not. Yeah, I might self publish that book. I might lose weight (who am I kidding? No I won’t). But nothing’s really going to change. I’ll still be the same person. I will still have the same job, working the same overtime hours, sleeping the same crazy schedule. It’s a new year, but it’s just another year.

Is there a point to this post? I guess not. I can’t find it, anyway. I just wanna lie down and nap again. And maybe stare into space a bit.

 

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