Disarticulation

No, I didn’t dislocate anything…except maybe my ability to convey my thoughts into words.

I’ve been having trouble lately expressing how I’m feeling. It’s one thing to say “I’m having a panic attack” but another to accurately describe the panic attack. Yes, I feel anxiety. Yes, my heart races. My chest tightens, my mind races. See? Can’t even articulate it without using the same verb two sentences in a row.

Even worse than trying to adequately put into words the sensations associated with a panic attack is trying to explain the cause of an attack. One would think that being the person having the attack would know the why of it. Not necessarily. In fact, I’m more likely to guess why a patient is having certain symptoms (emphasis on guess, not diagnose) than to know what caused my panic attack. And even when I know, I don’t know.

Let me clarify…if I can. For instance, I might know that I’m anxious about work, but I don’t know why I’m anxious about work. I don’t know what kind of day it will be; days with full schedules can turn out fine, and days with light schedules can be nightmares. Long surgery days can go by in a flash, and short surgery days can drag. There’s no way of knowing until it happens, so there’s no point in worrying about it, right? Well, tell that to my brain, cuz it ain’t listening to me.

One of the few things I do know is that my increasingly-frequent anxiety attacks are probably a result of me missing my appointment last month and running out of some of my meds. I’m tapering back on, but it’s my own irresponsibility that’s likely the cause of my…discomfort.

The moral of this poorly-articulated story? Keep tabs on your mental health. If you’re on a treatment that works, stay on it. Don’t be a dumbass like me. I’ve caused myself unnecessary anxiety just because I couldn’t keep an appointment straight. Speaking of which, I’d better check my phone and make sure I have the next appointment on the calendar…..

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