I don’t have the will(power)

I don’t know how people do it. They set a goal to lose weight, they work hard, and they do it. They lose the weight.

I’m not that type of person. I can try to my little heart’s content, but I just fail miserably every time. I can’t stick to anything I set my mind to, diet- and exercise-wise. I was doing semi-okay a few months ago, going to the small gym at the apartment complex a few mornings a week to work on the exercise bike, but then I started being extra sleepy in the mornings and didn’t have the energy to walk over there. Also, it’s cold as hell out there in the mornings now.

Holidays never help with weight loss. Food everywhere. And the people with the willpower all say, “Oh, I can’t eat that, I’ll get fat.” And of course I think, “Well, I’m fat already and it’s just going to go to waste, so why not? What’s the point, anyway?” Kind of a defeatist attitude, but there ya go. That’s my “dieting” life.

Once the weather warms up a bit (thank you, Arizona, for warming up fast) I’m going to try to get back into some sort of exercise routine. Walks in the mornings (if it’s light enough out) or the apartment gym. I’m going to try to cut back on my snacking and my portions. Find something to occupy myself when I have a craving or get bored, rather than head to the kitchen.

I’m going to try. I can’t guarantee my success, but I’m going to try. I hate seeing my arms wiggle as I write on the charts at work. Makes me wish I didn’t have good peripheral vision. I also hate seeing myself in the mirror. Wider and wider. It’s disheartening and deflating.

I’m going to try.

No.

I’m going to do it.

It might take a while, but I’m going to do it.

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One thought on “I don’t have the will(power)

  1. My grandmother had remarkable will-power and resolve, even as a child I was amazed at her strength. After a lifetime of being a smoker her doctor told her smoking was bad for her health and she should quit and she never smoked another cigarette in her life. Just like that.

    This is not a trait that passed to me, I have zero will-power when it comes to indulging my vices.

    But, also, after a lifetime of smoking I quit cold turkey – no patch, no gum, nothing but my own resolve to do it. Instead of telling myself I can’t have I changed my narrative to ‘I can, but I chose not to have” paired with “five more minutes, I can wait 5 for minutes.”

    This was my mantra for the first few months. Showing myself compassion and self-care felt awkward, like writing with the wrong hand, but eventually I grew my proficiency.

    Willpower, I think, is really just a step towards loving yourself and knowing you’re doing what is best for YOU.

    Also, it is good to have goals, but I’ve found for me that I have to back it up with an actual plan and then take it five minutes at a time.

    Be kind to yourself today.

    Like

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